What happens when hurting someone isn’t an accident, isn’t punishment, and isn’t something you’re supposed to apologise for?
In this episode of Buried Alive, Rachel sits down with Dee, sadist, dominant and self-described deviant, to talk about what it actually takes to play on the edge without losing sight of the person you’re playing with.
Because sadism isn’t simply about how hard you hit.
It’s about why you’re doing it. What the other person thinks you mean. Whether the fantasy in your head matches the fantasy in theirs. How well you know each other. How honestly you’ve negotiated. And whether you’re still paying attention when things get intense.
Together, they move from playful impact to psychological sadism, from sexual instinct to self-control, and from the fantasy of perfect consent into the much messier reality of two human beings taking risks together.
This is a conversation about wanting something dark, and caring enough to build the conditions that allow you to go there.
What We Talk About
The difference between being a sadist and being a dominant
Why kink labels are useful headlines but terrible substitutes for actual conversation
Why ignoring sexual desire can become just as unhelpful as blindly following it
Kink burnout and doing things because they are available rather than because you actually want them
Negotiation as flirtation, fantasy-building and information gathering
Playing with emotional triggers and the responsibility that comes with being trusted with them
Shared responsibility and accepting that consensual risk can still produce unintended consequence
How experienced players negotiate differently from people who don’t yet know what they don’t know
Big Takeaways
Labels don’t negotiate for you. “Sadist”, “masochist”, “dominant” and “submissive” can mean radically different things to different people. The useful conversation starts after the label.
Wanting to hurt someone and caring for them are not opposites. The freedom of consensual sadism exists precisely because responsibility, accuracy and attention remain present.
Negotiation can be part of the erotic experience. Done well, it doesn’t have to feel like paperwork. It can build fantasy, reveal compatibility and create anticipation.
Self-knowledge is a green flag. Someone who can describe the nuances of their limits, reactions and needs gives their partner far more to work with than someone who simply says “anything”.
Going deeper requires knowing you can come back. The darker the psychological material becomes, the more important trust, communication and aftercare become.
Consent doesn’t remove risk. People can do everything thoughtfully and something can still go wrong. Part of edge play is understanding what risks you are actually choosing.
Observation matters as much as technique. A noise, a change in expression or sudden silence may carry important information, but you only learn the meaning by knowing the person and asking.
Stopping early is not failure. If something feels wrong, ending a scene and trying again another day is usually better than pushing through and dealing with harm afterwards.
Listen If You’re Into...
Sadism beyond stereotypes
Darker psychological play
Impact, humiliation and emotional intensity
Consent that goes well beyond ticking boxes
Negotiation as part of the erotic experience
The psychology behind dominance and submission
Learning how to read a play partner
Edge play and consensual risk
Building enough trust to go somewhere genuinely intense
The tension between instinct, desire and responsibility
Why experienced kink can sometimes involve asking more questions, not fewer
Meet Your Guest
Dee is a sadist and dominant whose approach to kink combines curiosity, humour, observation and a fascination with what happens when people trust each other enough to go somewhere genuinely intense.
Find Dee on FetLife as Dreadlocked_D
